My head was spinning a little, my legs felt like they would give in at any moment and between it all I felt like flying. Yet somehow it all felt right.
It is a very weird emotion, you want to live in that moment forever but want it to end soon. So you can run and feed that hunger that begins growing in you with that happiness. It is like adrenaline. You want more and more of it. This growing hunger screams ‘we need to get more of these medals’. This hunger slowly drives you insane but keeps you sane too.
I saw you today. I saw you and thought of how that was supposed to be me, the one holding flowers for you in that tiny cafe by the sixth Street , the one that watched you laugh today, the one that played with your hair and your lips, the one to love you. It was supposed to be me. But it wasn’t.
Instead, I was the one that stood there and watched, as you smiled adorably at him just the way you used to smile at me at some point. I saw, you wore the bracelet I gave to you, on a date with him. Glad you took a part of me with you.
Suddenly its been a while since they left. You are finally learning how to live without them. It has been a while since you accepted they wont return. You know because you waited. You waited for too long.
Then one day suddenly you randomly hear their name on the street. By the most whisper by two giggling girl. You hear their name and your world stops still. Your heart starts racing and your mind goes blank and everything runs back to your head. The memories, the tingles, the loneliness it all comes back again. Your eyes start tearing up and your grip on the coffee mug loosens. You bite your lip , yell at yourself to get on with it. But you just cannot. Not anymore. A lone tear makes its escape down your cheeks against your will. Just a name is all it takes.
So you are back here again? In this dark place you hate? You’ve been here before. You’ve been this low with no hope.
This isn’t the first time. Look around you have been here.
It’s the same darkness you fought your way out of. Remember how grateful you were for the whole fight after it was over? Remember how your last fight made you so much more stronger, so much more of a warrior and so much more proud of your own self? So what you are you back here for? Back in this place where you are thinking defeat is good?
So what you can’t see a way out again?
You are here for a reason, a lesson you need to learn.
So stop trying to run away because it scares you. Stop running. And look around first, look at the darkness, look at why you even feel so hopeless.
Maybe it is something big. Maybe it is something very small or maybe it isn’t anything at all. That doesn’t matter. Stop being so scared of the darkness within you honey.
You’ve seen and accepted your light, it’s time to love your dark too.